Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
