Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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