it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
