Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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