He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Can you bring me the toilet please
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
