new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
