Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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