if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
