When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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