The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just forgot I was standing up.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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