I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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