Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
