She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
