Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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