I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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