Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm at about main and main street
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
