i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
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Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
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You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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