I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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