My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
