i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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