i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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