So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
