i just had sex bonerless
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
