I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
