sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Randomize
