At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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