She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
