i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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