woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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