unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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