Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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