I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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