I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I think i got beer on your cat.
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