I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney