It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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