I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
