The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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