Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
