I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
