so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
