I skipped work to stalk him.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
zippers are such a cool invention
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
