The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
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Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
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after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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