Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
