I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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