I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
