I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
