cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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