your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
