she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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