I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
