she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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