I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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