question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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