Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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