Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She swung at the pinata with crutches
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
What a dumb baby whore.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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